I am a bad cheetah! I feel like i've been abandoning my life since i haven't posted on my blog for so long now. I also wanted to post the pictures from our subdivision's trick or treat but somethings wrong with my image host, so I guess I'll just have to postpone that for now.
I now feel so burned out, so bummed out, so beat stricken by the monster called life. It is our sembreak and I am supposed to have fun, instead, I am wallowing in misery. Each day is getting darker, like the sky I see when I stare out of the window. I must do something... I need a beautiful release... I need to let it all out... I want to scream if only silently, as I fall from heaven down to my earthly grave... I need to rediscover myself within the short time I have left before I bury myself in needles, charts, scrubs, etc... I need to see...
My brother was somehow experiencing a different kind of mental alteration, judging by the early morning phone call he gave me. Pre-wedding jitters, I said. I told him to take it easy, and diverted the serious thought into a lighter note consisting of topics you'd never thought brothers and sisters would share. Hihihihi! That's what I like about my brother. He knows me inside out as I know all about his darkest side. I f you want to kill me with humiliation, go to my brother or husband and ask for my most gory details.
With my mind a minute short of depression, I accompanied Pia to do her prenuptial canvassing amidst the very excited feelings from all around her (my mom, her mom, me, my brother, especially). We looked for churches, for reception venues, and a few other things. The task was finished early and so we are left with nothing to do. We were supposed to go wallclimbing but my Kuya Ricky is still in Naga burning his ass off. "I still don't want to go home. I feel so down. Labas naman tayo!", I told her. She said ok and that was really the plan, so we dialled up Winston's cell number and asked him if he'd want to come with us, we knew he definitely would. We settled for Cable Car at the ATC because it is "safe", and it's more quiet. The kind we just need for a small talk. We also called up Jet (who just lost his cellphone) and asked him to follow. So, with our conscience clear by going out with my cousins (both of which, are three years younger or so. It was like being the bad influence in a bad group!), we shared a night of temporary consolation. What is this I feel? Boredom? Frustration? Anger? Disappointment? Regret? Confusion? Depression? Loneliness? All I know is that I am still the human being I am ought to be for I still experience these things. All I know is that these feelings are brought about by love. All I know is that maybe I should now love myself more. I've given so much. Maybe it's time I give some back to myself. Like the title of my blog, life, indeed, hurts sometimes. Now I'm taking the fall, and I'm falling too fast, too deep. For the first time in almost 4 years, beer once again invaded my system.
This morning, when I woke up, I still have no answer as to what I am feeling. I still am searching for the answers. Maybe it will be given now...
This is what sembreaks do. An unoccupied mind is dangerous.
